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Aapro Cyrus Broacha, the Brand Ambassador of Humour, is back to trigger unlimited giggles and guffaws, with his hilarious take on the Bawajis’ love for Bollywood – or the ‘Bollywood Sexuals’, as he terms them, in our exclusive column, ‘Cyrus The (Not So) Great!’

The Bollywood Sexuals!

Pardon me, it’s been a long time. But honestly, I’ve been hibernating, as advised by my publicists. They said, let’s wait for something big to happen, until then we should remain under the radar. Oh, and by big, they meant, a raid by the Enforcement Directorate or interrogation by the CBI.

However, so far… nothing! Yet, it is the auspicious occasion of Jamshedi Navroz and so it’s a good time to come out and search for the truth. Since no one else in India has found it, let me put my hand up and say I’m the first. Sorry, I can’t keep my hand up for so long, because I don’t have a belt to hold up my pants, so I need to use the hand. Now back to the truth – and this is it… It’s time to come out of the closet!!!

I have some names. Parsi names… very Parsi names. You can’t get more Parsi than these Parsi names, that I must now name. And what do they have in common? Well, one has to expose their secret… As an intrepid super-sincere investigative reporter, one has no choice. But it’s about time the world knows, that amongst the Parsi clan, there are those who ‘Love’, Bollywood. There – it had to be said. So, I said it. In fact, there are three categories. Category C is ‘Minor Bollywood Fan’; Category B is ‘Major Bollywood Fan’… Then there is Category A: the ‘Complete and Total Bollywood Nut’. This group is known scientifically as the ‘Bollywood Sexuals’ (a la the ’Metro-Sexuals’). If you think the Parsi is rare, then the Bollywood Sexual is extremely rare! As rare as the runs by K L Rahul, or the English by Yogi Adityanath! Let’s examine a couple of specimens…

Meet Vispi Vajifdar, a 67-year-old Parsi ‘boy’, born near the erstwhile Alexander Cinema, has watched every movie made in Bollywood, and only stopped watching because Vishal Bhardwaj made movies he finally couldn’t understand. His reason was simple. Shakespeare in English is hard enough but Shakespeare in Hindi? “Namumkin hai!!” His favourite was Dev Anand. So much so, that he named his dog ‘Guide’, and renamed his wife ‘Raju’. Vispi is now quite a celebrity, and is available for selfies, in and around Gamadia Colony, Mondays to Thursdays between 4:00 and 4:45 p.m.

Perhaps the most famous Bollywood Sexual is Freisha Fafdawalla. She claims to be related to John Abraham – he is her cousin! Farah Khan is her niece. Inder Kumar is her chacha. But things get carried too far. Last week she said, Shahrukh Khan is her brother, and Sanjeev Kumar was her husband. And, get this, after he passed, she married Karan Johar… which to quote directly from Don, and Don sequel is ‘Namumkin!’ Why? ’Coz Freisha is 74 years old……

This was just a sample, I can’t name everyone. I won’t have enough time. But, I’m glad the truth is out there. The truth that Bollywood Sexuals live amongst us. If you could kindly make your list of known Bollywood sexuals and send it to this newspaper ASAP, the advertisers will be grateful.

Let that be a lesson to all on Jamshedi Navroz! Tell the truth!! Now Sahebji! Have a great day! And Jamshedi Navroz Mubarak!